


Porthos Logs

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-13
Updated: 2006-03-12
Packaged: 2018-08-16 04:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8088154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: What is a puppy to do? (08/10/2003)





	1. 1.01-1.02 "Broken Bow" Log 10/01

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Special thanks to Danae, whose Delta Dog stores inspired me.  


* * *

Who knew? Papa said "goferride" and just like I always do I got very excited. I howled and jumped up and down. Goferride has always been better than goferwalk or goferrun. I never did like goferswim too much. Beagles don't like swimming as much as other dogs.

Anyway the other day he said "goferride" and I happily went a long. How was I to know that this ride was gonna last this long? So here I am stuck in this tin can. Couldn't Papa at least have brought along a tree? Heck, I'd settle for a bush or a potted palm! All these years of being a good puppy and not doing *it* inside and now he expects me to? Does he have any idea what constipation is?

Well things aren't all that bad. Papa keeps on talking about ths bitch.

End log.


	2. 1.03 "Fight Or Flight" Log 10/01

Puppy Log...Stardate...um...Stardate... I don't know...I'm just a dog.

Anyway, where was I?

Last time I made a report I was complaining about the lack of...what does Papa call it? Oh yeah pha-silly-tees. I call it a tree, bush, or whatever...much easier. Well I still don't have a tree. Maybe I should talk to Papa's friend Trip. I like him, he talks funny though...kinda like a coon dog I shared a kennel with once. I remember ol' Blue, he could howl really good.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I need to talk to Trip, he might be able to help me he likes hound dogs. I'll have to wait for a little bit, everyone is busy on this tin can right now. It's been shaking and everything. I'm hoping that if it shakes a little bit more that plate with the cheese on it will fall on the floor. I just love that cheddy cheese...actually I like Swissy cheese too, and goooda, and...well I just like cheese period, except for that smelly limburgie stuff, but that stuff makes a good burying cheese.

That's another thing! I can't bury anything in this tin can! Not only can't they bring along a tree, I don't have any dirt either. And I had to leave behind all those neat things I buried behind Papa's house. Of course he'll never will find out about the golf balls I buried under the porch.

Anyway, I figured out that after this ship stops shaking I'm going to go looking for that bitch.

End Log


	3. 1.04 "Strange New World" Log 10/01

Puppy log...Date: three days after I tore up Papa's slipper.

Papa said it! He did!!! He did!!! He said goferride! I love goferride. Wait a minute, I know I'm already in the middle of a goferride, but this was just different. We went from the big tin can, to a little tin can. Well it wasn't much, but it was a rideâ€”kindaâ€”and I did spend some time with Papa and his friendsâ€”even that lady friend of Papa's who doesn't like me. I can tell she doesn't, her nose squinches all up when she comes into to see me and Papa.

Well the little tin can finally stopped and I thought we were back home. There was grass and trees and rocks and grass and dirt and grass...oh and did I tell you there was grass? I like the way grass feels between my puppy toes.

Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time...I marked. I marked a tree, and a rock, and another tree, and a bush After all, someone had to get them back to the little tin can if we got lost. By marking, I'd be able to sniff my way back. But then Trip, Papa's friend, started laughing at me. He said I was running on empty. I was lifting my leg, but nothing was coming out. I was very embarrassed. Too much marking, I guess. I was just too excited. I wanted to do something to help.

Then as soon as goferride had started, I was back on the big tin can again. I didn't even have enough time to dig a hole or roll in something really stinky.

Maybe I can stay longer next time. I wonder if the bitch would like to roll around in something stinky with me? I'll ask her when I find her.

End Log.


	4. 1.05 "Unexpected" Log 10/01

Puppy log...I've given up trying to figure out the time...everyday is just about the same out here.

Well, he has me doing tricks now. If it wasn't enough being stuck out here without trees or dirt, now he has me begging for my supper! Seems like he should be begging -me- for forgiveness. He finds this an adventure, I think this is more like a kennel floating in space.

He's been working for weeks trying to get me to balance on my hind legs. I played along. Humans are so gul...gell...they believe anything...and they are so per...pur... um... they never give up. I could have done this begging thing the first time Papa showed me, but it's nice to see how bad he wants me to do something. When I finally did it, Papa was so happy I got double cheese rations! Wooo eeee. Now he's trying to work on something called 'roll over.' I wonder how long I'll make him suffer this time?

Hmmm. Of course, if he were to let me see the bitch then maybe I could be convinced to do it quicker. Papa doesn't know that I'm working on my own tricks...like getting out of this room. If he won't bring that other dog to me, I'm gonna go find her myself!

P.S.

Papa's been busy this week with his friend Trip. Trip came into see Papa and showed him these little bumps on his arm. Don't really know why, but after I saw that I had dreams about my doggie Mama. I miss her.

End Log.


	5. 1.06 "Terra Nova" Log 10/01

Puppy Log. Stardate...I told you, I don't care what the date is.

Hmmm, where to begin...

Let's see...

It was a dark, stormy night...

Naw, that sounds like the start of a story...maybe I can work on that later.

Anyway, I'm mad at Papa. He went goferride and he didn't take me! He left me here in this space kennel all by myself. I played with my ball for a while and my chewy bone. Then I slept, dreamed of the bitch and woke back up again. Then I played with my toys some more. Do you detect a pattern? Well it might have become more of a pattern 'cept my ball rolled under Papa's bed and I couldn't get it out. AND THERE'S NO ONE HERE TO HELP ME! AND THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT, NOT EVEN ANY CHEESE!!! HOOOOWWWWLLLL!!!!!

Well that didn't do any good. No one came to help. I couldn't even practice on getting out of this room without people coming and going.

*Whimper*

I think I should write a story. I could write a story about a dog lost in space. Maybe I should use a pen name. I wonder if Snoopy is taken?

End log.


	6. 1.07 "The Andorian Incident" Log 11/01

Puppy Log...

Papa didn't come home tonight. I was just about ready to claw the door down when one of Papa's friends came in. His name is Malcolm. I hadn't spent much time with this Malcolm, but I liked him. I liked him even more when he let me out of the cabin. He took my bed, some of my toys and led me down the corridor and into another roomâ€”a room that smelled just like him. He put my bed down, placed my toys all around it and the let me off my lead. He told me that he was doing everything he could to get Papa back home safely. Maybe it was the way he spoke, but I believed him. He talked different that Papa and not anything like Trip, but his voice sounded good to my ears. Then he started...

Back and forth, forth and back he walked. Sometimes he'd stop mumble to himself, place a hand to his chin, and then he'd start in again. I finally got tired of watching him and I knew he must be tired too, so I whimpered softly. When he didn't stop pacing right away, I whimpered again. Humans can't resist a whimper, and Malcolm was no different. He stopped in front of me and dropped to his knees. He scratched me under the chin and he rubbed my earsâ€”I like that part best. Give me a good ol' ear rub any day...but back to my story.

He asked me if I was trying to tell him something. Humans are so dense. Of course I was trying to tell him something! I wanted him to turn off the lights so we could get some sleep. I guess he got the hint, because soon the room was dark and he was laying down on the bed. He didn't even bother to get undressed. Weird. But then he did something that really surprised me. He reached down and brought me up on the bed too. I guess he needed the comfort, and if he was going to rub my ears and let me lay up on a soft bed, I wasn't going to complain.

Hmmm. I wonder if the bitch likes her ears rubbed. If Malcolm doesn't know, and Papa doesn't, I'll have to ask Trip...he might know.

Time for bed.

End log


	7. 1.08 "Breaking The Ice" Log 11/01

Puppy Log...

Well I got out of Papa's room again...and I got out without him even noticing it until it was too late. I slipped through the door when Papa left his room and followed him through the ship. He has his mission, and I had mine. I was going to find that bitch no matter what...even if bunnies were to cross my path, I was determined to find her.

Papa kept walking, but it was more like marching towards his destination. And I followed sniffing along the way. _not a bunny, not a bunny, not a bitch, not a bunny, not a bitch_ I wasn't having much luck either way...no bunny and no honey...but then I smelled it. "FOOD!"

It was then that Papa saw me, but it was too late for him to send me back. So I slipped under the table. Trip was already there, and there was some lady with pointy ears and some guy with pointy ears too. After they all sat down, Trip reached under the table and scratched my ear. Then I heard Papa make that throat noise and Trip stopped. I was completely bummed out so I lay down on the floor between Trip and that point eared lady. I didn't like the smell of that pointy eared man, so I stayed away from him. I paid careful attention in case anything dropped to the floor, and just in case the bitch might show up. The only thing I got was a piece of food that Trip snuck me. Well and occasionally Trip would scratch my back with his boot. Sometimes the lady would run the tip of her boot down my port side. _snicker...I'm learning things on this ship that other dogs will never learn._

If it wasn't for me, Trip and the lady would be touching toes. Good thing I was there to stop them. Some reason I don't think the pointy eared guy would like that.

I hope I have better luck next time finding the bitch. I'll let you know. Right now I'm grounded or as Papa says _confined to quarters_. He didn't like it that I escaped.

End log.


	8. 1.09 "Civilization" Log 11/01

Puppy Log. Stardate...two days after Papa left the ship.

Well, Papa did it again. He went on a goferride and left me behind. So here I am back with Malcolm waiting for Papa to come back to me.

Papa, Trip, that Pointy-Eared Lady, and the lady with the soft voice, all got dressed up, had Dr. Phloxie put funny bumps on their foreheads, and left the ship. I wonder if they took that bitch with them?

I whimpered tonight, I was so embarrassed. I have boldly gone where no beagle has gone before, and I'm such a cry baby. I miss Papa talking to me. We have these really long talks, and I tell him lots of neat things. Did you know the ship makes funny noises at night? Or that Papa snores so loud it wakes me up sometimes? Or that sometimes Trip and that Pointy-Eared Lady try and touch each other's feet under the table? I don't think Papa always understands me, but he pretends he does and that's good enough for me.

Malcolm did seem to understand I was missing Papa and he'd reach down from where he sat and would scratch my back. Then he'd go back to reading. Every once in a while, I'd hear him mumble something about "Boom." It seemed to make him happy, so I barked every time he said it. He'd "Boom" and I'd bark. Boom- Bark...Boom-Bark, boy did we have rhythm!

We had a lot of fun, but in the end I let out a whimper again, I couldn't help it. Malcolm must have felt really sorry for me, because he went over to that hole in the wall and spoke to it. Then he came back to me and gave me some doggie bones. I'll have to remember to whimper around Malcolm more often.

End log.


	9. 1.10 "Fortunate Son" Log 11/01

Puppy Log. Stardate...I'm too tired to remember.

It's bad enough that the ship rocks back and forth too much sometimes and wakes me up. I also don't like it when Papa doesn't get home some nights. But when you get woken up in the middle of the night by some kinda silly phone call, it's too much! I'm thinking of telling Papa I want another assignmentâ€”either that or my own personal quarters. It wouldn't have to be too big just enough for me...well me and maybe that other dog on the ship...you know the bitch.

That's it! If I had my own pad...my own little kennel, maybe I could come and go when I wanted to. I wouldn't have to wait until Papa or one of his friends took me out for a walk. Then I could find her! Yes! Whatta plan!

I could even pay visits to all of my human friends on the ship. At Trip's place I could get my back scratched and he could share some of his p'khan pie with me. Or I could go to Malcolm's and he could rub my ears and we could sing together again...BOOM BARK! BOOM BARK! I haven't visited with Travis yet, but they tell me he likes dogs too.

Maybe I could even throw some parties. They could call me the Party Pup! I'd invite all the ladies...Hoshi could come and so could that lady with the pointy ears. Seems like the Pointy- Eared Lady could use some puppy therapy, she always looks so sad. I don't think she ever had a puppy of her own _whimper_. That probably explains why she always looks so blue.

Right now though, Papa needs me, so I guess I'll stay. I can tell he gets upset sometimes, and sometimes he's the one that needs the comfort. If I play my cards right maybe tonight he'll let me sleep on top of the bed.

Until then, I think I'll take a nap...

...or two

...or three.

_YAWN_

End log.


	10. 1.11 "Cold Front" Log 12/01

Puppy Log. Stardate...day after I became a hero.

They tell me I'm a hero. Me? All I did was bark, but they said that helped a lot. All bark and no bite...how brave is that?

After all the excitement died down, all of Papa's friends came to visit me.

Malcolm rubbed my ears and said that I'd make a good security officer. He said he'd put me on Suliban Security. Thanks, but no thanks.

Dr. Phloxx called me a good boy for looking after Daddy after he fell down, and told me I'd make a good nurse.

Hoshi was very sweet. She smiled at me and said something to me I didn't understandâ€”but I liked the sound of her voice.

Trip promised me when we got back home, he'd take me on a voyage to see Paris. He said he knew a nice female beagle there once. Then Travis piped up and said he knew people in Paris too, some guy named Bobby McNeill...he said he was a lot of fun, liked dogs, and was also a pretty good pilot.

And the lady with the pointy ears just stood there...I don't think she likes dogs very much. It's very sad.

And Papa...Papa was very proud of me. He gave me extra cheese and took me on a really long walk.

Well I may not be a hero, but if everyone wants to think that I am, I don't think I'm going to argue. And, it might help to attract that bitch...couldn't hurt.

End log.


	11. 1.12 "Silent Enemy" Log 01/02

All this fuss about what to get Malcolm for his birthday..It's so funny. No one knows what to get him for a present, but I do.

Papa even went to the trouble and called Malcolm's parents. Afterwards Papa didn't seem too happy that he had called them. He just kept on shaking his head sadly and mumbling something about it being unbelievable.

I jumped up on his knee and tried to make Papa happy, but it wasn't easy. He seemed determined to be blue. Finally I had to resort to begging and rolling around on the deck before he smiled. It's nice to know that I can make him feel better.

Then we went for a walk with Trip...I like Trip, he always talks to me, some of the other people on this tin can never say anything to me. I don't know if they are afraid of dogs or what! Anyway, Papa asked Trip if he knew what Malcolm's favorite food was, but Trip didn't know. I seems like no one really knows much about Malcolm. Kinda sad I think. Trip did say that one of his favorite foods is something called catfish!!! Guess Trip and I have something in common...not that I've eaten any cats, but I'd like to try some time, even if the cat has fins and can swim. Trip also said something about Papa's ears getting pointier. I took a good long look, they look the same to me. I don't think Papa's turning into a Pointer. I don't think peoples can do that...but I'll keep watch for it it case it happens.

Well back to Malcolm. Papa asked Hoshi if she could help him find out about his favorite food. Papa says that she worked very hard to find out. She even called Malcolm's sister and his best friend, but they couldn't help either.

And through all this the ship kept on getting bounced around. It made a lot of noise too and hurt my ears. I spent a lot of time hiding...ummm... keeping guard...yeah that's right...under Papa's bed. Finally the noise stopped and the tin can stopped shaking, and it wasn't long before we were back to normal.

Hoshi found out, with some help from that weird looking guy who works in Sickbay, that Malcolm's favorite food was pineapple. Pineapple!?!? They go to all this trouble for a cake with pineapple in the middle!!!????!! Now I could have come up with a really good birthday present for him...how about a puppy? A nice cute female type puppy!!!

HOOOOOWWWWWLLLL!!!!!

Yeah, that's the ticket!!!

End log


	12. 1.13 "Dear Doctor" Log 01/02

Well just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...it did. Not only did I discover that the funny looking man is not only the crew's doctor, he's also my vet! And I thought there might be some benefit to being in this tin can! I thought I didn't have to make visits to the vet in space!

To top it off, Mr. Funny tells me that I can't have cheese any more. It's not fair I tell you. First they tempt me with having a bitch on board that I can't find, and now one of my little joys has been taken away. How much harm can a lil-cheese cause? Huh? Papa says I don't want to know.

I felt so blue that when Papa picked me up off Mr. Funny's table I had my tail between my legs. Papa wasn't very happy either. What's he going to do with a storage locker full of cheese? Maybe he can give it to the Chef and he can make maki-oni and cheese and grilled cheesie sandwiches. Everyone can have some cheese 'cept me. It's not fair I tell you!!! HHOOOOWWWWLL!!!!

Papa let me go to supper with him as a special treat tonight. I sat in the dining room with Papa, Trip, and the Pointy Eared Lady. Papa told Trip and the Pointy Eared Lady about my visit to Mr. Funny. Shouldn't some things remain private, like doctor's visits!?!?

Well I actually made out in the end. Trip felt so sorry for me, he kept on sneaking me little bites of food. I had a few little pieces of steak and a couple bites of French fries. I'll have to remember to sit beside Trip more often. He treats me good.

As for the Pointy Eared Lady, she just sat there. Every time Trip gave me a treat she gave him this weird look. She kinda stared at him, but it looked cold. It was pretty funny though to see her try and eat an ear of corn. Never saw someone try and eat it with just a fork before. Trip and Papa tried hard not to laugh.

After we ate, Papa took me on a walk through the ship. I saw lots of people and got lots of scratches and pats on the head. I like almost everyone on the ship except Mr. Funny and, well, I haven't figured out the Pointy-Eared Lady yet.

End Log


	13. 1.14 "Sleeping Dogs" Log 01/31

I heard her!!! I did!! I did!!!

And I had just about given up on finding her, but now I have hope!!!!

I followed Papa through the ship, and the more we walked the more I could hear the bitch. She had a wonderful bark. Really throaty, the kinda that makes a dog want to bark and mean it.

The more we walked though, the more I began to wonder just what type of dog it was. She sounded big. Very big! What if she didn't like me? What if she took one look at me and then she didn't want me?

But hey, I told myself, I'm the Captain's dog! Maybe I wasn't as big as she was, but I had the one thing that a lot of chicks wanted...I had POWER!!!

So I stood tall...well as tall as a beagle could, and I tried to look conph...confy...um...sure of myself.

Then we stopped.

And I saw her...

My heart fell to my puppy toes...

It wasn't a dog growling, it was some lady with bumpy things on her forehead!!! And just when I thought I had finally found my bitch!!!

I think I'm going to go back to my cabin, chew on Papa's slipper and go to sleep, and pretend it never happened.

End log.


	14. 1.15 "Shadows Of P'Jem" Log 02/02

I'm bored.

I've played with all my toys. I'm still trying to get to that thing that makes my toy hamburger go squeak. I've chewed on Papa's slippers and pulled off all the covers off his bed.

But I'm still bored.

Everyone left me. Papa is making a habit of this and I don't like it one bit! And when he comes back I'm going to tell him!

I'm going to make Papa sit down and tell him what it's like to be left alone. If he has to leave the ship all the time, at least he can find me a playmate. I think I've been more than patient about finding that bitch. It's time for Papa to bring her to me. At least I'd have something to do while Papa and his friends were off the ship.

We could get together and have romantic dinners. We could have a Lady and the Tramp date, complete with candles. I love psh..sha...spah...noodles. You know those long noddles like Lady and the Tramp had on their date? I would start eating one end, the bitch the other, and then when we got to the middle I'd plant a nose-slurp on her. She wouldn't be able to resist me. I have it allâ€”power and pizzaz! How could she resist me?

Ensign Mayweather should be along soon to take me for a walk. It's his turn, Hoshi came last time. They all take turns looking out for me when Papa's away. Maybe Travis will take me to see Chef so I can make plans. But first, I suppose I should find the bitch. In the meantime, I think I'll shake Papa's sheets and chew on his slippers some more.

End Log.


End file.
